Excuses and lies we tell ourselves
by riarklespitfire
Summary: Farkle Minkus does not fail tests, except he just did. He failed quite a few. It's her fault. It's Riley Mathew's fault.


Its 5pm on a Wednesday. You're sitting outside the head of Engineering's office waiting for your weekly check-up. You're wondering how you got in this position, bottom 10% of the engineering class at MIT. That's a lie. You know the reason. You know why you failed. You were distracted. Distracted by her. The girl you wish you could hate. That's another lie. You don't wish you could hate her. You just wish it hurt less.

 _6 months ago_

 _She didn't say goodbye. When she left for college, she didn't say goodbye. She was your best friend, yet she didn't say goodbye. You had this speech prepared. A final declaration of love, thanking her for being the best first love any guy could have had. Things were always complicated between you two. You loved her and sometimes, you thought she loved you too. All your friends knew about your undying love for her, her feelings not so much. This meant years and years of relentless teasing from Lucas and Maya. Sometimes it wasn't just teasing. Sometimes it was Lucas trying to convince you to move on. Telling you that it wasn't healthy. That being in love with a girl that doesn't feel the same, that's also your best friend, needs to end. You tell him that you're trying to move on. Again, that's another lie._

 _The fact of the matter is neither Lucas nor Maya knew the truth. They didn't know that you texted each other every day until one of you fell asleep. They didn't know about how you walk her home after school. They didn't know that she used to borrow your jumpers just because they smell of you. They also didn't know about how two would study together in the library just to be alone. They didn't know so many things. But most of all, they didn't know that during the summer before senior year, she told me she felt the same._

 _Most normal people would think that would be the start of us going out. However life is never that simple. People don't just have happily ever afters. People have to deal with life and life meant we couldn't be together. People call me a genius but the truth is I have to work hard to get the grades I get. That my dream of getting into MIT would only be a dream if I didn't work hard. Riley, her dream was Princeton. There was a mutual agreement that neither of us would hold the other back from going where we wanted, we assumed we'd always be best friends._

 _Getting into either college wasn't going to be easy and we were both smart enough to know relationships are distractions. The truth is I was scared. Cliché as it may sound; I didn't want to lose her. I needed her in my life. She was a drug and I was addicted. I convinced myself I was content with all the little moments we had together. Whilst she convinced herself that every time I called her adorable or beautiful I was just trying to annoy her. Over the years, Riley had become more cynical. There had been a time, known as the 'dark phase' where things had happened and we hadn't talked for 3 months. It involved another guy and my big mouth. She had changed after that. The hope she radiated became that much dimmer. She was still weird and goofy and loveable but there was times where she didn't have the old optimism she used to have. We all change. Its apart of life and stopping it is like trying to stop the earth from spinning on axis, it just can't be done._

 _Senior year passes without any hiccups; we work hard and study together eventually getting the grades we need to get into our respective colleges. Everything's happening so fast and I start to question if she still feels the same way I do about her._

 _There are occasions however that give me hope she does. The first time is her birthday. I buy her a jumper. (The same one that she loves to' borrow' off me). I also get her a scarf. It's nothing too flashy but she likes simple. I don't give her the presents directly. I sneak them into her bag so she could be surprised when she gets home from school. She messages me to tell me she loves the gifts. She always wants us to come in the same jumper the next day. I ask her if that's too cliché. She tells me she doesn't care. It makes me smile._

 _The next occasion occurs within exam season. We're talking about the future and she randomly says that she doesn't know why we aren't we together. It breaks my heart because I know why. I tell her that we would be hundreds of miles apart and despite not wanting to, we'd break up eventually._

 _I really wish I didn't believe that but facts rule my life. The fact is we wouldn't be able to see each other often. The fact is that long distance relationships don't work and the fact is I want her happy. Happy even if it's with someone else. So I make her promise me something. I know we both need to move on so I ask her to tell me when she gets a new boyfriend. I thought it'll help me get over her. I thought wrong._

 _2 months ago_

 _I'd been at college for 2 months. Things were challenging but not impossible. I had made new friends and kept in contact with my old ones. Things between me and Riley were different. Every day texting turned into messages once a week. Lucas, Maya and I had visited her for her 19_ _th_ _birthday. I could only stay a day, I had exams the next._

 _It's Monday morning when I receive a text from her. She tells me she needs to tell me something. This worries me. It takes me all of 30 seconds until I work out what it is. I reply to her asking her what it is. I want to make sure I'm not just being paranoid. I walk into my first exam distracted. I then send her another message saying it's distracting me not knowing. She knows I hate not knowing things. She still doesn't reply when I walk into my next exam. Luckily it's extremely easy._

 _She doesn't reply until midnight. When she does, she reveals what I already know. She's seeing another guy. I tell her I'm happy for her. She asks me if I really mean it. I tell her I do. It's not a lie. Only some of the truth is negated. I don't tell her that it hurts. That I'm angry. Not at her. Never at her. I'm angry at the situation. That we could be together. But life just got in the way._

 _To say that it's all I think about is an understatement. I go into each exam not caring what the outcome is. I don't study for any exam. I go for runs trying to clear my head. It doesn't work. She's still the only thing I can think about._

My mind is brought back to the present when Dr. Angelo invites me in. She asks me if there were any reasons why the exams didn't go so well. I make up some excuses that justify me failing 3 exams. She seems satisfied with my answer but asks me to come to our meetings with evidence of progress. I agree and make my way out her office wishing her a pleasant evening. I get home and sit down and sigh. I don't know if I'll ever get over her. I just love her too much.


End file.
